<p>I’ve been married for 10 years, the last several of which have been a real struggle. We hardly communicate anymore. I’ve tried to be more giving yet it seems as if my energy has been going down a black hole. Now I mostly feel resentful and depleted. What do you suggest?</p>

Emotional exchanges based on equality are energizing, while those that foster power imbalances are depleting to both parties. If we do not experience loving energy flowing freely in our lives, it means that we are disconnected from our source, which is inherently nurturing. Without this inner connection, it is easy to project responsibility for our depression and unhappiness onto people, circumstances and situations outside of us.

Although as children, we may have encountered people who were vitality thieves, we are responsible as adults for ensuring that our interactions are predominantly nourishing. Wilhelm Reich suggested that love is the absence of anxiety. It can be stated even more simply: love is the absence of fear. It’s therefore essential that you ask yourself what are you afraid of? Not being good enough? Not being worthy of love? Not being able to manage your boundaries?

In the quest for recovering our joy and vitality, we have to honestly assess each of our key relationships and ask the question—is this connection energizing or depleting? An energizing relationship is nourishing to both parties, because it is based upon mutual acceptance and naturalness. When we are engaged in a healthy loving relationship, we do not waste energy mobilizing our psychological defenses. A toxic relationship is based on control and manipulation, and is depleting to both victim and villain. Although it may appear that the abuser is absconding with the power in the relationship, it is rarely possible to take another’s vitality—it is only possible to give it away.

If you are waiting for someone else to change in order for you to feel better, be prepared to wait your entire life. If you want to regain your power and happiness from someone you perceive is taking it, do not expect them to return it voluntarily. You must identify the needs that are being fulfilled by the relationship and seek alternative healthy ways to fulfill them. If you shift your perspective, the relationship will shift. If your partner is prepared to support a healthy transformation, your relationship will grow in intimacy, trust, and love. If the other person is not prepared to participate in the positive evolution of your relationship, you will more than likely grow apart.

Pain is a warning signal from nature that something needs to change. If you fail to listen to the message that the pain is carrying, it will likely get more intense until you are forced to pay attention. I encourage you to listen carefully to the signals your inner being is sending and trust that your soul is guiding you to greater truth, wisdom, peace, and love.